Tired of biased media and angry news? Well, *does savvy businessman chair-spin*, my name is Sammy Otter, and I'm here to bring joy and fix the world. You're welcome.
About my caretaker, JJ Mike!
By Sammy
Otter
I am Sammy Otter, and here’s my caretaker. . . the one on the RIGHT, lol. My caretaker is NOT Royler Gracie. XD If he was, I’d be a ninja-otter by now, ruling the world like a combination of George Washington and John Travolta in that stupid Battlestar Galactica movie. I’d rule with an iron fist of logic and love, freeing everyone from all the stupid crap they believe. I’d jail everyone who drives slow in the fast lane, and I’d impose taxes based on how huge your sunglasses are. And if you’re the kind of person on the job who squeezes a random woman’s heiney and thinks you’re doing her a favor, or who takes my order for coffee and says “Cream and sugar?” BEFORE I”M EVEN DONE TALKING, or who talks about a politician like he's a god and you’re part of his Sex-Harem of the New Messiah, well then guess what, son: gulag-time for you. Bet we’ll solve your stupid problems real quickly then, right?
Anyway, enough about me! Haha, I forgot this was the About my Caretaker page! XD My caretaker’s name is JJ Mike, and the pic above is him when he was a blue belt in the art of jiu-jitsu and taking care of otters. He’s really nice, although he’s always talkin’ crap like “NO, Sammy,” and “Sammy, don’t,” and “Put that down, Sammy, you’re gonna’ burn the damn house down.” When I was a tiny baby otter, he would play-wrestle with me with his hand, and it was kinda’ like fighting against Master Hand from Smash Bros. So yeah, my whole life has been an uphill battle on da’ tough streetz.
When I'm not playing, fighting, or enlightening the world through my bolg, I'm usually chillin' in my crate! Here's me eating a feesh and watching NBC News + Spongebob.
Oh, and here’s an annoying thing about JJ Mike – he’s always talkin’ smack on my bolg, like “Sammy, this isn’t entirely true,” or “Dude, you’re taking this WAY out of context” or “Okay, I don’t see how allowing the American public to drive tanks to work is plausible.” Of course, my response will be something rational, like: “Of course it’s plausible. Think about it – if you’re late for work, just take a shortcut by going in a straight line through anything. Is there an obstacle in your way? Well then bla-BLAOOWW! Your ‘new car’ has a giant cannon sticking out of it for a reason, dummy.”
Vehicular paradise, or automotive hellscape? Guess it's all a matter of perspective. I vote vehicular paradise. bla-BLAOOWW! =^.^=
My caretaker, JJ Mike (right). But this is an old pic, before he reached his Super Saiyan ultimate ninja form.
But JJ Mike just shakes his head and gives me this look like he’s Captain Picard and I’m maintaining the engines on The Enterprise, but the fuel I’m pouring in is stuff like Candy Corn, Gatorade, and clam juice (mmm, freshly smashed clams <3). He says that he’s a “voice of reason” that “counterbalances the sheer madness that my pet otter proposes as solutions to the world’s problems.” But he also once gave this wise nod and said something like “You know what, Sammy? I have to admit, you can indeed stumble upon some pretty sweet insights when you write. So I say, go for it. Blog your heart out, you crazy otter. Bring your feral, demented version of joy and purpose to the world, and let the chips fall where they may!”
And you know what? I agree with him. Maybe I really CAN save the world. After all, truth is stranger than fiction. Case in point being that clam juice CAN actually fuel The Enterprise. As long as “The Enterprise” is my bolg, of course, lol.
Internet. Teh final frontier. Hai, my name is Captain Sammy Otter. On SammyOtter.com, I pilot my crate through these dangerous waters, bringing you the finest news analysis and cultural insights imaginable. Join me in my adventures by bookmarking / subscribing to my page or whatever. It's better than CNN or Fox or whatever else you stupid people watch.
Ugh, sorry, I like humans, it's just that your species is incomprehensibly retarded sometimes. Luckily, I'm here to help you get your ish together!
So yeah, I have mad respect for my caretaker. Sure, I’m just an otter, but I also roll like a boss when I’m good and I get computer-time in the nursery and I “Preach like a mad modern prophet from the soapbox of this blog,” as my caretaker calls it. I just have to make sure I let the old Dell computer have at least 15 mins to boot up since it still runs Windows 95 and all.
Mmm, there's nothing like coming back to the animal sanctuary after a full day of exploring the river, then starting up the comp to play some Doom and then BOLG! :D Does life get any better? Well, if my caretaker brings me a salmon lox bagel, then YEAH!
And that’s my caretaker in a nutshell for you. But don’t let his commentary on my posts distract you from my insights. Still though, he pays for my internet, and he’s basically funding my entire one-otter raid against the fortress of evil / retardedness in this world, so he deserves some credit at least.
By Sammy Otter