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Hi humans ,

My name is Sammy. I'm a North American River Otter, and I live at the Animal Sanctuary with my caretaker (JJ Mike) and the other otters + animals. I’m super-creative, and I first learned how to be a blogger by reading the newspapers that my caretaker used to line my crate. Some of these had stories like Congressional Sex Scandal – More Than Just Your Tax Dollars Being Put To Use!, or So-And-So wins by 5th round KO lead hook counter! And of course there was booooring stuff like Raymour and Flanigan End of Season Markdown!. But listen, the point is that I love to use my knowledge to give you the news from a fresh, awesome, happy, joyful perspective. From a bolgger who straight-up decks the discouraging, evil stupidity of this broken world with a literary spinning-backfist, and then stands over it in his b-boy stance and says “What NOW, son?”

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THAT’S the spirit of my blog! So check it, if you’re on board, say HEYOOOO!

 

Okay, well this is the internet, and I can’t actually hear if you’re saying HEYOOOO, but I sure hope you are (at least in your mind)! Because guess what, humans. This evil world is getting eviler, and it seems like the final boss (or whatever) is charging up its rage, hate, and confusion to make people more divided. Liberals are furious because conservatives are always trying to stop them from eating breakfast cereal made from contraceptives, and conservatives are going nuclear because the stupid climate keeps changing at the worst times, and they can’t shoot it to stop it. So yeah, you could say Uncle Sam’s got a family squabble going on in his house. I’m doing my part to solve it, verbally dragon-punching and hurricane-kicking all the retarded people I meet on the internet, but their waves just keep on coming!

LEFT: A Portrait Of A Divided Nation. A liberal throws a tantrum because Trump built an oil pipeline over the climate when it was right in the middle of changing. Also, conservatives furious because liberals just banned gunpowder-flavored Doritos.

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Om-nom-NOMMM! Mmm, this sure is some tasty news!  =^.^=

Hi everyone. Sammy Otter here, journalistic mix-master and all-around literary breakdancer. "But Sammy," you may ask, "Why should I get my news and cultural analysis from an otter, and not a more established source like Fox or CNN?"

Well listen, the world has already gone to heck. There came a point decades ago when your species made some really, really bad decisions that got us here. And we're already far beyond that point. So gosh, why not just give an otter the mic and see what happens? Who knows - mayeb I wield the literary Excalibur that can save America.

In fact I was really sad about this the other day, and I told my caretaker that I wanted to kick Satin in the balls. He said something booooring like: “Sammy, your heart is in the right place. But one of these days, you’re gonna’ have to realize that our world is a bit more nuanced than that.” But I was just like “No, JJ Mike. I said in the balls.” Because I mean gosh, how hard can truth and justice be?

But don’t get me wrong – my caretaker is a really nice guy. He says that I’m really creative and that i have a supper-high mebatolism, and that you should always ‘embrace how your hardwired but put that to good use,’ and I guess that’s true even though it’s cringey and totally something Spider Man’s uncle would say over a meaningful morning coffee conversation as the sunlight beamed down over his cabbie hat or something.

I've heard some people argue that I'm way too cute to battle sinister forces and make a difference in the world. So I thought I'd include this bad-ass pic to prove them wrong. Here's my little cousin and I driving WAY faster than we should be going. We supercharged our red Honda Civic, then ripped off the yellow roof and made it a convertible (tru hustlaz' don't play). 

So when I'm good, I get computer time and update my website here. When I’m bad, and if i get caught, I get put in my crate to ‘simmer down a while’ but WHO CARES, because usually I want to chill in my crate anyway, so booyah.

Anyway, I know I’m just an otter, & that my webbed paws slip on teh keybroad alot. But I have sympathy you humans, and I’m honored to help save your world w/ my insights. But ugh, my careateker saw me writing this and said “Sammy, you should try to be more sympathetic and less proud.” UGH, so oooo-kaaay, I’ll try that in the next paragraph, I guess. -.-

Sometimes I try to wonder what it’s like to be a human being. It must be confusing and painful, to be both so smart and so retarded at the same time. To be able to launch rockets into space and build great things like superconductors and roombas and microwaves, but also NOT know how to use your turn signals or fix your own economy. :C One of the websites I visited called this “a paradoxical state of being, and an existential tragedy deserving of the utmost sympathy.” And eh, yeah, whatever that is, maybe it’s true. But I just call it a really crappy time and you guys need super-serious help.

But check it – THAT’S WHY I BOLG, YO! I’m a tragedy-destroyer, a justice-droppin’ lawyer, gettin’ faded in the foyer droppin’ truth to the youth.

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Around me, nothing can exist but pure, rad joy. I'm also free from the stupid misconceptions and all-around idiocy you humans wrestle with. So here's where I use Windows95 / MS Word to help you, tell you what to believe, and tell you how to live your life (your welcome). I also analyze the crazy world you live in and solve those problems too. The world is a stupid place and people are totally crazy, but if joy and common sense become the katanas at our sides, then we can make it through! (maybe).

 Anyway, thanks for reading, and enjoy my bolg. I love you!

Sammy Otter

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After a full day of exploring, entertaining the animal sanctuary visitors, blogging the truth, and fighting evil, sometimes I just need to sit down and have a good think. I wonder what the future holds for me? What awesome truths will I discover, what secret martial arts techniques will I learn, and what demons will I slay? Follow my blog and find out with me! :3

sammyotter@sammyotter.com

Tel: Nah, I'll call you if i need soemthing. Stupid telemarketers can sit on a tack. And NO I don't care that my car's warranty recently expired. I drive one of those red Little Tikes cars with the yellow roof, and that thing is tough as nails and doesn't even need a warranty lol. 

Ok cool ty I got your msg :3

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